"What can I do?" This plea to you the pediatrician makes your stomach turn upside down. "What am I supposed to do about that?" you ask yourself. You’re not there to see what is happening, and the parent isn’t either.

This scenario is made even more difficult because the parents can be desperate for advice and quick solutions. It is incredibly inconvenient when a child is thrown out of child care or preschool for bad behavior, especially for parents who both work. Parents may even get hysterical because they immediately envision their darling failing to get into Harvard based on an inability to interact properly in preschool. The differential diagnosis of this complaint takes some good sleuthing, but can make a big difference in the life of a young child.

Young children deal with social interaction issues that also confront grownups, but without the skills to navigate and manage them.

Learning social skills is a major benefit of preschool and kindergarten, particularly for children with few siblings or siblings of much different ages. The poem "All I Need to Know I Learned in Kindergarten" describes many of these social benefits, including learning to share, take turns, act kindly, and use manners. The poem does not mention some of the other less poetic skills developed at this age, however: learning how to tease successfully, pull your punches, stand tall when there is a bully, bounce back when people insult you or after you wet your pants, tell if someone is a real friend, and deal with a critical teacher who is screaming all the time.

Young children normally practice a social interaction known as "inclusion/exclusion," where one day they say, "Oh, you’re my best friend. Let’s go have our secret club." But the next day they say, "You’re not my friend anymore. I’ve got a new best friend. You can’t play with me." In general, the best short- and long-term outcomes occur when children work out minor interaction problems on their own, with a little teacher support, but serious problems are handled privately by the adults.

Ask for specific information about one of the incidents from both the child and the parent. If a child comes home from school and says, "This kid called me names," parents can ask, "What kind of names?" to distinguish normal teasing from a toxic environment that needs to be changed. Abnormal teasing is more vicious and adultlike, for example, a peer calling the child a "whore" or using a racial epithet.

Don’t forget to suggest ways to pump up resilience such as getting sufficient sleep and proper nutrition.

Next, assess the child with problematic peer behavior for skill deficits. A child with a gap may act up to distract others from noticing, out of frustration or as result of discrimination the child experiences. Often children this age who are aggressive have shortcomings in language. They may speak a different language at home or still communicate only in two- or three-word phrases, and therefore are unable to keep up with others and feel – or actually are – left out. They don’t have the repartee to negotiate social situations and can become the victim of taunting and teasing, a specialty of girls.

Children with gross motor skill deficits, particularly boys, also may experience difficulty keeping up with their peers. In some cases, they are rejected by the group for being unable to kick a soccer ball or to climb a jungle gym as well as others can, and they are angry as a result.

Check fine motor skills as well. A child with poor coordination may be slow to finish work and/or be ashamed of what they do produce. Children can be very self-critical at this age and even tear up their papers. If the teacher asks everyone to draw a truck, and another student pointedly says, ‘That doesn’t look like a truck," the child might punch in return. The child is acting up in frustration.

While children at this age are just on the edge of acquiring "perspective taking" (considering another’s point of view), in the most severe form, difficulty in doing this can be a sign of autism spectrum disorder. Peers quickly pick up on this and may tease them, call them names, and/or reject their awkward attempts to engage. Try telling them a joke or asking them to tell one, and you may see why.

You can help by addressing any detected skill deficits with language therapy or physical therapy. Importantly, suggest ways to build their skills while allowing them to bypass social humiliation. Let children who are not athletic skip recess, assigning them the task of getting out the snacks to avoid further humiliation. Then work on their motor skills through after-school karate instead.

Anxiety can spark aggression, too. If you are afraid, it seems better to strike first. If anxiety seems key, the parents and school will need to soften their handling of the child and help him or her put feelings into words to assist the child in not acting out.

Since some children will misbehave to get a teacher’s attention, recommend that the parents drop in unannounced. Often the way a classroom appears (or is staffed) at 8 a.m. drop-off time is not the same way it operates at 10:30 a.m. Suggest a parent watch the part of the day their child complains about the most, which is frequently recess.

Even though there are bad situations and bad schools, most schools have great teachers and other professionals from whom parents can gain valuable information and advice. Generally teachers can explain the timing of a child’s troubles, for example, during circle time he cannot sit still or during craft time because his fine motor skills are not well developed. Having parents seek out these examples is the most efficient way to identify deficits in need of help.

Suggest parents speak to their child empathically instead of giving instructions. In this culture, boys especially are told to "keep a stiff upper lip" or "be a big soldier." A better approach is to say, "Yes, it’s tough when kids talk to you like that" or "I understand this really makes you sad and you feel like crying." It also helps when parents share a similar experience from their own childhood. For example, parents can say, "You know, when I was your age, I had an experience like this – I had a kid who was always on my case."

Parents can promote social development as well. For example, role playing can clearly help a child develop appropriate socioemotional skills. Parents can use this strategy either before an incident – for example, to rehearse how a child might react to a bully in class – or afterward, to help the child determine what he or she might have said or done differently and prepare for the next time. Use of social stories can foster these skills (see SocialStories.com or anything by Carol Gray).

Parents who experienced a bad peer interaction as a preschooler or kindergartener may project their concerns on their child who may be doing just fine. The parents might be supersensitive to teasing, for example, and bring an otherwise minor incident to your attention and/or become overintrusive at school. Asking, "How was it for you when you were little? Did you ever run into anything like this?" may bring out past experiences as an important factor predisposing to overreaction. If they wet their pants in kindergarten and never got over it, realizing this connection makes it possible for them to back off and let the school and child handle the current problem.

Watch for red flags or warning signs that problematic behaviors are not within the range of normal stress. The child initially doing well at school who suddenly does not want to return is one example. Sadly, you need to always consider whether there is abuse going on at school, including sexual abuse. Sudden adjustment problems at home, such as trouble sleeping, nightmares, or bed-wetting, also should raise your level of concern.

Also ask parents if their preschooler suddenly became more difficult to manage at home. Some children who experience negative peer interactions will cling to parents, but oppositional or defiant behavior is more common. Of course, 4-year-old children are notoriously brassy, so you cannot consider back talk a warning sign unless it is part of a sudden change in the normal flow of the child’s behavior. A child this stressed over school may need to be cared for at home or moved to a family day care situation

Unfortunately, the modern practice of grouping of kids of the same age together in a classroom increases the likelihood of interactions going badly. Ten 2-year-old children are not necessarily capable of peacefully spending hours together at a time. When a serious behavioral problem arises in this kind of setting, I frequently recommend family-based day care instead of center-based day care because children will be with others of different ages and different skill levels, and hopefully some of them will be more mature.

Support parents in deciding to pull the child out of a school if the situation is bad. If, for example, the school administration is unresponsive to or dismissive of a parent, removal of the child may be the best option. A new parent recently came to the parent group at our clinic. She reported that a teacher responded to her child’s behavior problem by putting him in a closet, which would have been egregious enough, but the teacher also said that there were spiders and bugs in the closet that were going to get him before closing the door. I was flabbergasted. The school tried to defend the teacher for doing this, and my final advice was to "pull the kid." Any school that ignorant of normal child development cannot be fixed.

This column, "Behavioral Consult," regularly appears in Pediatric News, an Elsevier publication. Dr. Howard is an assistant professor of pediatrics at the Johns Hopkins University, Baltimore, and creator of CHADIS. Dr. Howard’s contribution to this publication was as a paid expert to Elsevier. E-mail her.

Are We Pandering to Peer Problems in Preschool?