Detached parents: How to help

Overwhelming stress

Is the newborn or special needs child feeling like more responsibility than the parents can handle? Where do the parents find support? Has there been a recent job loss or has there been a financial setback for the family? Is a spouse ill, or are they also caring for an aging parent? Has there been a separation from the spouse? Many adults face multiple significant stresses at the same time. It is not uncommon for working parents to be in “soldiering on” mode, just surviving. But this takes a toll on being present and engaged with the children, and puts them at risk for depression and substance abuse.

Acknowledge their stresses and point out that parents usually feel they simply must manage everything on their own. It can be so helpful to have access to a social worker who can help with resources, as parents may not have taken the time to seek help such as legal advice, an aide for the aging parent, or services for a disabled or chronically ill family member. It also can be powerful to offer them a few simple strategies for stress management. Point out that protecting time for sleep and a little time for exercise, relaxation, or pleasure (especially with the children) can feel good and leave them better equipped to manage their stress. It also models the kind of self-care they would like their own children to learn.
 

Traumatic stress

Have they recently experienced a crime or accident, the unexpected loss of a loved one, or threats or abuse at home? They may be grieving, or may be experiencing symptoms of posttraumatic stress disorder that lead them to appear distant and detached. Grief will improve with time, but they may benefit from extra support or from assistance with their responsibilities (a leave from work or more child care). If they have experienced a traumatic stress, they will need a clinical evaluation for potential treatment options. If they are being threatened or abused at home, you need to find out if their children have witnessed the abuse or may be victims as well. You can offer these parents resources for survivors of domestic abuse and speak with them about your obligation to file with your state’s agency responsible for children’s welfare. It is critical that you listen to any concerns they may have about this filing, from losing their children to enraging their abusers.