Thinking about the institution of marriage – Part II

Sex and marriage

Nelson Mandela’s father had four wives, and he reported in an interview that he considered all of them his mothers and gained support from them all.

Polygamy has flourished in Africa and Asia for centuries, and more than 40 countries recognize polygamous marriages. In the former Soviet republic of Kazakhstan, rich Kazakhs used to buy second wives from parents, often in exchange for livestock. Since Kazakhstan’s independence in 1991, polygamy, although illegal, has again become common practice and is a status symbol for rich Kazakhs. Polygamy reportedly also is a way out of poverty for young women who save money and support their relatives back home

In the United Kingdom, polygamy has become more common in Muslim communities. Successful British Muslim women, who have delayed marriage to build careers, may choose to become a co-wife. They choose to share a husband in a relationship that they see as sanctioned by Islam. These women retain an independent lifestyle. "I didn’t want a full-time husband," one Muslim woman noted in an interview.

In the United States, the practice of polygamy was officially ended in the Mormon church in 1890. Nevertheless, several small "fundamentalist" groups continue the practice. One family of 14 wives and 17 children, the Browns of Nevada, are stars of a reality show that they reportedly hope educates the public about the choice.

Polyandry, a woman with multiple husbands, is described in many cultures. This practice frequently involves the marriage of all brothers in a family to the same wife, which allows family-owned land to remain undivided. In some cultures, such as the Inuit, a man might arrange a second husband (frequently his brother) for his wife because he knows that, when he is absent, the second husband will protect his wife. Should she become pregnant while he is gone, it would be by someone he had approved in advance.

Penn State’s Stephen Beckerman, Ph.D., and his colleagues, in their study of the Bari people of Venezuela, found that children understood to have two fathers are significantly more likely to survive to age 15 than are children with only one. This is called "informal polyandry," because while the two fathers might not be formally married to and living with the mother in all cases, the society around them officially recognizes both men as legitimate mates to the mother, and father to her child.

Polyamory, the practice of open, multiple-partner relationships, is a structure that is increasingly common in Western countries, according to sociologist Elisabeth Sheff, Ph.D. Dr. Sheff’s 15 years of research leads her to believe that polyamory is a "legitimate relationship style that can be tremendously rewarding for adults and provide excellent nurturing for children."

She said she has found that children aged 5-8 do not seem to care about how the adults relate to one another, as long as they are taken care of. Overall, such children seem to fare well as long as they live in stable, loving homes.

Making this practice work, she acknowledges, is "time consuming and potentially fraught with emotional booby traps." People in polyamorous relationships emphasize that their relationships are about emotional connections with others, as opposed to primarily physical relationships.

The term polyfidelity, a subset of polyamory, was coined in the 1970s by members of the Kerista commune, which started in New York City in 1956. Polyfidelity is a concept in which clusters of friends form nonmonogamous sexual relationships. Under this family structure, group members do not relate sexually to anyone outside of the family group.

Although mainstream Judaism does not accept polyamory, some people do consider themselves Jewish and polyamorous. Sharon Kleinbaum, the senior rabbi at Congregation Beit Simchat Torah in New York, has said that polyamory is a choice that does not preclude a Jewishly observant, socially conscious life. Some polyamorous Jews also point to biblical patriarchs having multiple wives and concubines as evidence that polyamorous relationships can be sacred in Judaism.

Jim Fleckenstein, director of the Institute for 21st-Century Relationships, has said that the polyamory movement has been driven by science fiction and feminism. He states that disillusionment with monogamy occurs "because of widespread cheating and divorce."

One fact going for the polys (as they are often known), is the belief that polyamory is more honest and less hypocritical than monogamy with secret affairs. A manual, "What Psychology Professionals Should Know About Polyamory," for psychotherapists who deal with polyamorous clients, was published in September 2009 by the National Coalition for Sexual Freedom.

The late Michael Shernoff, who was an openly gay psychotherapist, wrote that nonmonogamy is "a well-accepted part of gay subculture," and that somewhere between 30% and 67% of men in male couples reported being in a sexually nonmonogamous relationship. A majority of male couples are not sexually exclusive, but describe themselves as emotionally monogamous.