The Polaris Proposal
I was not at all shocked when Marvel Comics announced last week that the openly gay character Northstar from the Astonishing X-Men will marry his boyfriend Kyle in an upcoming comic book. I was, however, astonished to learn that Northstar is Canadian, from Quebec! I mean, a superhero? From Canada? Who speaks French? Fortunately I live in North Carolina, where legislators will soon introduce a constitutional amendment to ban foreign costumed mutants. We have all the mutants we need right here.
Speaking of genes, it turns out there’s a simple way to help ensure children live long lives: make sure they have old dads. Dr. Dan Eisenberg at Northwestern University discovered that children of older fathers have longer telomeres on their chromosomes. Telomeres, you’ll recall, protect DNA from the natural degradation that accompanies aging, and their length correlates with lifespan. That means that media magnate Rupert Murdoch’s youngest child, born when the plutocrat was 72, is likely to live long enough to see Madonna retire. Of course there are drawbacks to fathering children later in life. Older fatherhood is associated with higher risks of miscarriage, autism spectrum disorders, and getting fruit snacks stuck in your ear hairs.
According to the Centers for Medicare and Medicaid Services, you only need to live nine more years to see health care spending grow to account for a fifth of US Gross Domestic Product. The rise in health care spending would result from an aging population, an improving economy, and the expansion of health coverage to people whose insurance policies previously were limited to an ACE bandage and rosary beads. Economists project that if current cultural and economic trends continue, the remaining 4/5 of the US economy will be dominated by tattoo parlors, smartphone apps, and laser tattoo removal clinics.
A report in the British Journal Of Developmental Psychology has the potential to revolutionize parenting as we know it. Researchers in Paris found that children who observed photographs of a person enjoying vegetables were then more likely to eat vegetables themselves. A simple smile did the trick; the researchers did not resort to making “nom, nom, nom” sounds or pretending that forks were airplanes because, you know, they’re French. It was enough for the children, ages 5 and 8, to see an adult consuming broccoli while looking content.
I see no reason these promising techniques wouldn’t work well beyond the dinner table. From now on I’m going to smile and hum to myself as I wash dishes, clean the toilets, and pick up wet towels from the floor. “Why the smile?” my kids will ask. “Oh, no reason,” I’ll say, careful not to overdo it with a big, dumb American grin. Soon the only reason they’ll stop cleaning up after themselves is to grab another forkful of blanched haricots. I have to admit it, whoever came up with that study may indeed be a real-life francophone superhero, although it would be even cooler if the research team included at least one gay, vegetable-loving mutant.