Know Your Enema

Here in the Washington area, we're a bit jaded when it comes to monuments. But there's a new statue in Russia that definitely caught our attention. Located at the Mashuk-Akva Term spa in the southern city of Zheleznovodsk, the 5-foot-tall bronze syringe bulb supported by three cherubs is a tribute to everyone's favorite medical procedure, the enema. Sculptor Svetlana Avakina, who designed the $42,000, 800-pound anal monument, told Reuters that “an enema is an unpleasant procedure, as many of us know. But when cherubs do it, it's all right.” The Caucasus Mountain region has dozens of spas that routinely administer enemas from the area's mineral springs. There are so many spas giving so many enemas that Alexander Kharchenko, director of Mashuk-Akva, told the Associated Press that “an enema is almost a symbol of our region.”

The Walking Wounded

There's a war going on right now, and we're not talking about the war on terror. This war is being fought on the golf course, and it pits golfers who use carts against those who walk. Researchers at Sweden's Karolinska Institute noticed that the death rate among golfers is 40% lower than the rest of the population, which means they're living about 5 years longer. Professor Anders Ahlbom, coleader of the study, said, “A round of golf means being outside for 4 or 5 hours, walking [not riding] at a fast pace.” That the walking involved in golf is healthy comes as no surprise, especially to people who use carts. According to another recent study (Am. J. Prev. Med. 2008;35:55–9), the rate of golf cart-related injuries rose more than 130% from 1990 to 2006. Coincidence? We think not. The jealous cart users are obviously conspiring to eliminate their walking cohorts. And now they've got carts that are faster and more powerful to chase them. And they even have cart-based GPS systems to track them down! And the things run on electricity, so you can't even hear them coming! So, now do you want to hear how aliens are controlling the price of oil?

Downsized by Fruit

Somewhere, a Keebler elf is crying. The mothers of America have broken his heart. According to a report in USA Today, the most popular snack for children under 6 years old is no longer cookies. More kids are now eating fruit than they are any other snack, with cookies holding the No. 2 spot. NPD Group Inc., a market research company, compared food and beverage journals kept by 500 mothers in 1985–1987 with 600 journals from 2005–2007 and found that young children are more likely to eat fruit rolls, yogurt, and granola and less likely to eat ice cream, candy, and cake. “If this keeps up, we're going to have to lay off American elves and shift production to India or Mexico,” Head Elf Ernie said in a statement. Where have you gone, Cookie Monster?

Think and You Shall Receive

This is how “Planet of the Apes” began, right? With Charlton Heston jabbering something like, “Get your stinking robot arm off me, you damn dirty ape!” The University of Pittsburgh reports that a monkey has fed itself by using a robotic arm controlled solely with signals from said monkey's brain. A probe the width of a human hair is inserted into neuronal pathways in a monkey's motor cortex. The neurons' activity is then evaluated with a mathematic algorithm and sent to the arm, according to the minister of science, Dr. Zaius. The robot/monkey team hopes that its work will benefit people with spinal cord injuries and those with “locked-in” conditions such as amyotrophic lateral sclerosis, or Lou Gehrig's disease, said team leader Cornelius. When asked about his part in the project, the head monkey/test subject was certain that people would be able to repeat his performance: “You know the saying, 'Human see, human do.'”

Botox at Sea

Does anyone out there remember “The Love Boat”? If you do, then you certainly remember the show's theme song. If you don't, go find it on YouTube before you read any further. That's okay, we can wait. All right, is the song running through your head now? Good. Now try these alternate lyrics:

Cruise, at sea there's something new.

It's Botox, they're injecting you.

Cruise, Norwegian Cruise Line.

Get Perlane, and Restylane too.

Treatments directed by Dr. Brad Herman,

A Miami-based, certified plastic surgeon.

“Our spas are the best at sea,”

Said CEO Colin Veitch.

And fill your cruise vacation,

With eating and microdermabrasion.

You're next!

Welcome aboard.

Botox!

Indications