Changing the dance

Useful theories

A. Dr. Gottman’s typology. John Gottman, PhD, categorizes couples into five types: Conflict-Avoiding, Validating, Volatile, Hostile, and Hostile-Detached. The three happy couple types (Conflict-Avoiding, Validating, and Volatile) are very different from one another, and each type has its own benefits and risks. Of the two unhappy couple types, hostile couples stayed unhappily married. He derived this categorization from observations of couples in his lab (https://www.gottman.com).

Conflict-Avoiding: Conflict avoiders minimize persuasion attempts and instead emphasize their areas of common ground. They avoid conflict, avoid expressing what they need from one another, and congratulate their relationship for being generally happy. Conflict-avoiding couples balance independence and interdependence. They have clear boundaries, and are separate people with separate interests. They can be connected and caring in areas of overlap where they are interdependent. While they are minimally emotionally expressive, they maintain a ratio of positive-to-negative affect around 5 to 1. Their interaction is good enough for them.

Validating: The interaction of these couples is characterized by ease and calm. They are somewhat expressive but mostly neutral. They are intermediate between avoiders and the volatile couples. They put a lot of emphasis on supporting and understanding their partner’s point of view, and are often empathetic about their partner’s feelings. They will confront their differences, but only on some topics and not on others. They can become highly competitive on some issues, which can turn into a power struggle, but they usually calm down and compromise. The ratio of positive-to-negative comments is 5 to 1.

Volatile: Volatile couples are intensely emotional. During a conflict discussion, they begin persuasion immediately, and they debate with laughter and humor. They are not disrespectful or insulting. Their positive-to-negative comments ratio is 5 to 1. Anger and feelings of insecurity are expressed, but not contempt. They have no clear boundaries around their individual worlds. While they argue about their roles, they emphasize connection and honesty in their communication.

Hostile: Hostile couples are like validators, except there are high levels of defensiveness on the part of both partners. In Dr. Gottman’s lab, the husband was usually the validator and the wife was the avoider.

Hostile-Detached: These couples are like two armies engaged in a standoff. They snipe at one another during conflict, although the air is one of emotional detachment and resignation. In Dr. Gottman’s lab, usually there was a validator husband with a volatile wife. Escalating conflict will occur between two validators, but then one of them will back down. But the volatile will not let the validator withdraw. Dr. Gottman notes that there is a superiority involved in the woman: that the man needs to be taught the right way to be. The woman does not see the need to change.
 

B. The approach/avoidance dance

The approach/avoidance dance is based on the motivation of each person (Psychol Sci. 2008 Oct 19;[10]:1030-6). A partner with approach goals focuses on attaining positive outcomes, such as intimacy and growth. A partner with avoidance goals focuses away from negative outcomes, such as conflict and rejection (Educational Psychologist. 1999;34:169-89). For example, in a discussion about child care, a husband who has strong approach goals may be concerned with wanting the discussion to go smoothly and wanting both partners to be happy with the outcome. In contrast, a husband with strong avoidance goals may be more concerned with avoiding conflict about child care and preventing both partners from being unhappy with the outcome. People who are not motivated by approach goals are not particularly interested in pursuing positive experiences in their relationships, such as bonding, intimacy, or fun activities. In contrast, people who are motivated by avoidance goals are interested in avoiding negative experiences, such as conflict, betrayal, or rejection by a romantic partner.

C. Attachment

Both of the previously discussed theories have attachment theory at their core, and are organized around anxiety and avoidance. The anxiety would be tied to concern that the partner may not be available or supportive in times of need, and the avoidance piece would be tied to worry that the partner cannot be fully trusted (Fam Process. 2002 Fall;41[3]:546-50). A low score on both of these indices means a secure attachment style. For unhappy couples with cemented attachments, there is no thought that one would leave. They are bound together in unhappiness (Current Opin Psychol. 2017 Feb;13:60-4).

Nice guy husband/borderline wife relationship or hysterical wife/obsessive-compulsive husband: These relationship can be explained using an attachment framework. This male personality type truly enjoys giving and often finds that he needs nothing more in return than a feeling of being appreciated.