Driving
Cell phones deserve a special discussion from parents, whether or not their children are highly distractible. Adolescents tend to be more frequently on the phone, texting, or updating their Facebook status. Having a phone available while alone in the car is a great safety plan, in case there is an accident or problem with the car. But parents need to have an explicit conversation about good car habits. It may be helpful for parents to ask that their children text once before driving and then when the car is off, or to keep the phone in the glove compartment in order to resist the urge to answer or return a call or text. There should be very strict consequences for texting while driving, in addition to any legal ones, ideally losing the privilege for a long enough time to be memorable. It is not overly dramatic for parents to have a conversation with their child about the likelihood of dying or killing someone as a result of something as simple as sending a text, and to use local reports of accidents to reinforce this standard.
The conversation about good driving habits also should focus on drugs and alcohol. Parents need to be able to tell their children about the serious dangers and legal consequences of driving drunk. But they also should be clear that any drug could impair their driving skills; marijuana is no safer to use before driving than alcohol. They should have a clear plan in place that will either rigidly follow the rule concerning the "designated driver" or facilitate their child calling them or a cab if they ever have used alcohol or drugs when out driving, without fear of significant repercussions. It is critical to establish that safety always comes first, and that it will always be helpful to be honest with parents when managing difficult situations.
Parents should consider whether driving privileges should require some financial contribution from their new driver to the car, gas, or insurance payments. This is a good time to step back and consider the parents’ values concerning money, the direction of the teenager’s attitudes, and how the costs of gas, insurance, or even an additional car fit into the values and priorities of the family. Contributing to the costs of a car can be very motivating to a teenager who might otherwise not be enthusiastic about working. For a busy and productive adolescent (and where the family can afford the costs), there may be less need to use car costs as leverage. Certainly, contributing money or service to the family is all part of new adult responsibilities that come with a license. Driving is an adult responsibility, and presents an ideal opportunity to teach adolescents about the balance between privileges and responsibilities, and about the family’s values about money.
Like other milestones in adolescence, driving can be an opportunity to add to the warmth and trust of an increasingly adult relationship between parent and teenager. Alternatively, driving can become a bitter struggle between parental control and the developmental push to autonomy. There will be errors and mistakes with both the technical and judgment aspects of this new territory.
Parents’ job is to protect teens from mistakes that are irreparable, while facilitating their expanding independence. In setting rules and expectations, parents can emphasize their confidence in their adolescent’s capacity to handle all the requirements of driving, while also impressing upon their teen the seriousness of this new privilege.
Dr. Swick is an attending psychiatrist in the division of child psychiatry at Massachusetts General Hospital, Boston, and director of the Parenting at a Challenging Time (PACT) Program at the Vernon Cancer Center at Newton Wellesley Hospital, also in Boston. Dr. Jellinek is professor of psychiatry and of pediatrics at Harvard Medical School, Boston. He is also chief clinical officer at Partners HealthCare, also in Boston. E-mail Dr. Swick and Dr. Jellinek at pdnews@frontlinemedcom.com.
