Commentary

Diagnostic metal rod, eyeball extramission, fungal foot fetish


 

Doctor, (fake) doctor, gimme the news

Florida Man strikes again, and this time he’s a faux MD.

wildpixel/iStock/Getty Images Plus

Onelio Hipolit-Gonzalez was charged with a felony for impersonating a doctor who promised patients he could easily diagnose their diabetes, cancer, multiple sclerosis, Parkinson’s, and pretty much any other malady … with a metal rod. The “doctor” would have patients hold on to a metal rod connected to a beeping machine (these are the scientific terms, of course), and then he would gravely diagnose them with a variety of ailments that he could cure for the low, low price of $2,000.

If you’re curious how he treated patients, fear not. This intrepid medical professional took the ingenious measure of drawing a patient’s blood and simply injecting it back inside them. Bada-bing, instant cure! Honestly, medical school these days is really overrated. Just learn to properly use a syringe, and you should be good to go. Just make sure not to attempt to treat/con any undercover cops.

Step away from the stinky socks

In another edition of “Humans: What Won’t They Do?” a Chinese man has developed a severe lung infection from prolonged, voluntary inhalation of his sweaty socks.

Ivan-balvan/iStock/Getty Images Plus

Take a moment to gag if you need it.

The man reportedly would finish his daily walk home from work with a deep, relaxing session of smelling his socks. Somewhat unsurprisingly, he developed a fungal infection and had to be hospitalized.

His doctor, perhaps in an effort to spare his feelings, conceded that the infection could be attributed to his weakened immune system from looking after his child. Sock-smelling weirdo, or just a good dad? Let’s just hope he doesn’t pass on this … unorthodox hobby to his offspring.

Turn down your eye beams

Do you remember the recent LOTME about a company selling tissues that have already been used by a sick person? Good news! This next item has nothing to do with that.

Sonsedska/iStock/Getty Images Plus

More good news! Belief in extramission – the ability to emit an invisible energy from the eyes – is down to about 5% among Americans after being greater than 50% at the turn of the century. The bad news? Belief in extramission is about 5% among Americans, according to investigators at Princeton (N.J.) University.

It’s not really a superhero thing, though. The researchers shared an explanation common among the extramission believers: “Light enters the eye, and there is a reflector piece inside the eye. The reflector reflects the light back out and hits the object, allowing the eye to see it.”

Now, we’d like to discount this whole eye-beam business, we really would, but there may be an exception that proves the rule. Ever had a staring contest with a cat? There’s got to be some sort of freaky power going on there.

The world’s worst superpower

Have you ever wondered what it would be like to live in the beginning of a science fiction novel? Well, worry no more – a group of researchers at the Georgia Institute of Technology and Emory University has you covered!

Next Article: