How to cope after your patient commits suicide

“And nobody else in this department of board-certified psychiatrists noticed a damn thing. It was all internal, and it was a striking thing. It’s the only time in my life I’ve ever felt that.”

Other reactions include “core responses” of grief, guilt, shame/fear of blame, anger, and relief. “This is not in a variant sequence and not everybody has every one of these feelings,” he emphasized. “If you’ve been working with this person for any extended period of time, you can get attached to them, so you grieve the loss of a person,” he said.

A loss of hope also can occur. “We all imagine that we’re going to help people; a suicide shoves that notion aside,” Dr. Gitlin said. “But in many ways the biggest grief is what I call loss of influence to make a change. I suspect this is truer for younger psychiatrists than for older ones. Early on in our career we all have this feeling that if we do right, if we take good care of the patients, if we’re kind to them and respect boundaries, and we return phone calls, that good things are going to happen. Then you work very hard taking care of a patient as best you can, and they kill themselves on your watch. That changes the equation.”

Another common response when a patient takes his or her own life is a sense of shame. “Think about the cardiologist who loses a patient from heart disease,” said Dr. Gitlin, who also directs the UCLA Mood Disorders Clinic. “Do they feel bad? I assume so. Do they feel a sense of shame? I suspect not. Why do we feel the shame and embarrassment, and they don’t? Even the most hard-core psychopharmacologists among us really don’t believe that it’s just the technical aspects of treatment that make our patients better. It’s us; it’s our relationship with them. That makes the failure of a patient who dies not a clinical failure, but a personal failure. To me, that is the core reason why suicide feels different from an oncologist losing a patient to a disorder that has a known fatality rate.”