Belonging and grieving: Lessons from Orlando
For all minority groups, the importance of belonging to a safe, accepting community ranks highly. The pressure for all minority group members to conform to mainstream society is strong and persistent. A good parallel is found when thinking about race and the pressure of dark-skinned individuals to conform to white society. Skin bleaching remains a common practice; some people turn dark skin whiter in order to conform to a societal ideal. Similarly, in order to fit in and avoid discrimination or persecution, many LGBTQ+ individuals work hard to keep their gender conforming face forward. Pulse offered an opportunity for LGBTQ+ individuals and couples to feel like they could be themselves, express themselves, and forget about the societal pressures of conformity. Belonging to a safe community is, therefore, vital to maintaining a sense of self and self-worth.
The acknowledgment of LGBTQ+ status varies by culture. Ninety percent of the Pulse shooting victims reportedly were gay Latino men; a group that expresses its gender identity differently from gay white men. Verbal disclosure benefits gay white men’s well-being but doesn’t affect gay Latino men’s well-being, either positively or negatively. For gay white men, the more they verbally disclose their gay identity to others, the more they feel they are showing their true, feelings of authenticity, research shows). Additionally, LGBTQ+ members may be out in English but not in their Spanish-speaking church, according to Marianne Duddy-Burke, executive director of Dignity/USA, the largest national lay movement of LGBTQ Catholics, their families, and friends. Sadly, many of the Latino families of the Pulse shooting victims are Spanish-speaking only and reportedly had difficulty finding someone to explain what had happened.
Family considerations of being LGBTQ+.
Some families may know privately that they have an LGBTQ member but do not publicly acknowledge the fact. Family members may say things like “being married is maybe not for you, and that’s OK,” or “People should be allowed to be whoever they are.” This communication, while masked, is supportive and illustrates “an understanding” in the family. It may be some time before a family can say “we support our child, regardless” or “I know you are gay, and that’s OK.”
Gender identity can, therefore, be communicated nonverbally and behaviorally. For example, gay Puerto Rican and gay Dominican men in New York City discussed how they disclosed their gender identity by bringing their same-sex partner to family functions without the direct verbalization of a romantic relationship. This strategy, by which gay identity is implied and unspoken, is known as “tacit subjectivity,” or “tacitness.” The authors of this study postulated that for gay Latino men, their relationships in the family and Latino community are more important than the acknowledgment of individual difference and the expression of authenticity.
This perspective is consistent with the importance of community and family identity, a common aspect of non-Western cultures. At the extreme, some communities are very hostile to LGBTQ+ individuals, including in the United States. After sending “thoughts and prayers” to Orlando, the GOP House chair blocked legislation aimed at making sure that federal contractors cannot discriminate based on gender identity or sexual orientation.
Meanwhile, in Pakistani Muslim families, an LGBTQ+ member threatens the marriage prospects of the girls and may place the family in danger of being killed. Yet, 50 top Pakistani clerics recently issued a religious decree, or fatwa, declaring that transgender people have full marriage, inheritance, and funeral rights under Islamic law. The fatwa stated that a female-born transgender person having “visible signs of being a male” may marry a woman or a male-born transgender with “visible signs of being a female,” and vice versa. However, it ruled that a transgender person carrying “visible signs of both genders” – or intersex – may not marry anyone.
Currently in Pakistan, gay marriage is punishable by life imprisonment. The new fatwa also declared that any act intended to “humiliate, insult, or tease” the community was “haraam” (forbidden). The fatwa also states that transgender people should not be deprived of family inheritances, nor the right to be buried in Muslim ceremonies and that parents who deprived their transgender sons or daughters of inheritances were “inviting the wrath of God.”
Complexity of grieving after Pulse
The unique cultural and family aspects of the Pulse shooting makes the process of grieving complex. The cultural aspects of LGBTQ+ identity, both within that community and within Latino culture, bring new variables to the grieving process. Many of the previously held truths about grieving may turn out to be unimportant in this tragedy, and new factors may emerge.
