And Now A Word From...
I’ve heard that after the events of the last week there are a number of sponsors looking for a slightly less controversial commentator to endorse. May I humbly suggest myself and the "Needles" blog? I may not boast the mass following enjoyed by some drive-time radio "shock-jocks," but my regular readers are very, very loyal. Thanks again, Mom and Dad!
With bad behavior dominating this week’s cultural, political, and pediatric headlines, I’m looking to place some blame! I’m pointing my finger squarely at the usual suspects: indulgent parents, decadent popular culture, and really big tonsils. That’s right, the next time some kid flings a french fry into your ear at McBurger Hut, stand up, get right in his mother’s face, and ask, "Have you noticed that your son tends to snore?"
In fact, according to the results of a major study on sleep-disordered breathing, even apnea that has resolved can have a lasting impact on kids’ behavior, potentially causing hyperactivity, conduct problems, peer behavior problems, and emotional difficulties, with the severity of behavioral problems tracking with the degree and duration of apnea. Imagine how political debates might go if the candidates had grown up sleeping with CPAP machines: "I have to admit, my opponent and I have pretty much the same platform, and, honestly, he has better hair." Of course the study leaves some questions unanswered: if sleep-disordered breathing causes behavior problems, why did the era of near-universal tonsillectomies not lead to a prolonged period of world peace? I do know one thing: pediatricians can anticipate a whole new flood of high-strung parents demanding polysomnograms to make sure their kids get into Harvard. I’m sorry, but they’re going to have to stand in line while I finish answering questions about arsenic in apple juice.
Another study this week finally answers the question, "Does playing video games cause attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD), or do kids with ADHD play more video games?" And the answer is...yes! Researchers followed over 3000 kids in Singapore, tracking their video game time as well as their other risk factors for developing ADHD. It turns out that even in Singapore, a country that tops most others in measures of childhood academic success, shooting aliens for hours a day can lead to problems with kids’ concentration. Likewise, Singaporean children with ADHD would rather hunt cyborgs than practice quadratic equations. In practical terms this means that a third-grader in Singapore who plays six hours a day of Halo may only score as well on tests of math and science as an American college junior. In response to this study I say we flood Singapore with free video game consoles donated by frustrated American parents. I even volunteer to send my own kids to Singapore to share gaming tips and cheat codes. Trade deficit, you’re going down!
Speaking of international cultural warfare, researchers publishing in Pediatrics suggest that American movies contribute to binge drinking in European teens. To be fair, not all the movies were American, but really, do even Europeans understand what happens in European movies? Even after controlling for every known risk factor for binge drinking, watching depictions of alcohol use on screen correlated strongly with actual drinking behavior. Follow-up studies hope to determine whether European teens exposed to American movies are also more likely to meet cute, dash through hails of bullets uninjured, or exchange disgusting but hilarious repartee with their raunchy best friends. As for me, I’m only allowing my children to watch the works of the Dogme 95 Collective. I don’t know if there’s any drinking in them, but I do know my kids won’t last through the opening credits.
Finally, I just want to clarify that I have no financial relationship with the manufacturers of CPAP machines, video games/gaming consoles, or arcane Dutch movies. But if you represent any of the above, please give me a call.