Thinking about the institution of marriage – Part I
Romance and marriage
The question of romance in marriage is the hardest for psychiatrists, as scientists, to address. Romance has always been around, sometimes present in marriages and sometimes not. Romance is thought to be both essential and nonessential to marriage, depending on the purpose of the marriage. A good discussion by Dr. Henry Grunebaum can be found an article titled "Thinking about romantic/erotic love" in the Journal of Marital and Family Therapy(1997;23:295-307). His main points are that we do not have control over our feelings of romantic/erotic love, that these feelings occur relatively infrequently during most people’s lives, that being with a partner whom one loves, is valued and regarded as a good, that it sometimes conflicts with other values and goods, and lastly that although love is regarded as one essential basis for marriage, other qualities and capacities are important in sustaining a long-term relationship such as a marriage. He concludes with, "What makes matters even more challenging is the fact that we ask a great deal of marriage, of any serious intimate relationship. Perhaps the greatest demand we make is that it should combine passion and stability, romance and monogamy, transports of tenderness and excitement from the person who will also perform the many mundane tasks of daily living. In other words, meld everyday love with romantic/erotic love." He offers suggestions for discussion and guidelines for therapists.
Applying all of this in our work
As family psychiatrists, we can allow couples and families a therapeutic space to discuss the meaning and assumptions in their marriage. We can discuss the frame of the marriage: Is it sacred, secular, or postmodern? In this way, we can provide a context to the current struggles that couples and families might have.
To begin, we can ask about the past. We can say, "People get married for different reasons. What were your reasons? Do you consider your marriage to be a sacred or a secular? What does this mean to you?"
Delving deeper and focusing more on the present, "What is your current experience of your marriage? How do your expectations differ now than from your expectations in the past? What is the role of romance in your marriage?
What type of marriage did you want when you began this marriage? Is there romance in your marriage? What kind of marriage do you want now?
Focusing on going forward we can ask: "What works well in your marriage/family? What are your strengths? What needs to change in your marriage?"
In the late 1970s, postmodernism emerged in the world. Postmodernism stands in contrast to the "modern" or scientific view that touts a singularity of truth and a singular view of the world. Social construction is a type of postmodern theory that states that truth, reality, and knowledge are based in the social context of that particular person. Inevitably, postmodernism affects how we think about and conceptualize marriage. Postmodernism and marriage will be the subject of the next column.
I would like to thank Peter Chaloner, M.A., LL.B, B.A. (Honors), and Dip. Theo., for his comments and corrections.
Dr. Heru is with the department of psychiatry at the University of Colorado at Denver, Aurora. She is editor of the recently published book, "Working With Families in Medical Settings: A Multidisciplinary Guide for Psychiatrists and Other Health Professionals" (New York: Routledge, 2013).
