Hospitalist Horoscopes

The Hospitalist. 2006 November;2006(11):

November 1, 2006 | The Hospitalist

The Dumpster

Birthdate: August 21

Symbol: The Garbage Can

You never mind leaving some work for your colleagues; you would not want them to be bored. You are going on vacation and need to leave early to pack, you have a headache and are home sick, or your dog has the flu, can somebody cover? Your discharge summaries are sketchy; you like to have residents so that they can do your paperwork for you. You are on good terms with Inertias and always seem to be changing call nights with Nimbuses.

The Geneticist

Birthdate: September 21-October 20

Symbol: The Double Helix

Face it—you’re twisted, dude. You like things to align nicely; your clothing always matches your shoes. You love consanguinity and the interesting diseases that develop. Nobody knows what you are talking about at parties. You hear hoofbeats (it’s not a horse). Bad news: They just discovered that Linus Pauling was right. DNA is a triple helix.

Inertia

Birthdate: October 21–November 19

Symbol: The Snail

You think the world is changing too fast. You were right about HMOs and still think LBJ made a mistake when he signed Medicare into law. When you are on a committee, you always find something that needs a rewrite. You always want a second review.

If it was good enough for you, it’s good enough for those who follow you. You still write notes by hand and are damned if you’ll learn how to operate a computer.

You are a natural bureaucrat. You love to block Chairmen from getting anything done.

The Techie

Birthdate: November 20 at 6 a.m.-December 31 at 11:59p.m.

Symbol: The Palm Pilot

You are first to embrace a new technology. If it’s embedded, you’ll root it out. You get your news from a podcast, and you have a Blackberry and a Blueberry. You don’t understand how anyone could not like having an electronic health record. Your entire medical school education is saved on a memory card, though you are not sure where it is. Your secret shame: Your vintage VCR still has a blinking red light. You get along well with Chairmen as long as they move your technology request through the committees. You would like to see all Inertias implode. TH

Jamie Newman, MD, FACP, is the physician editor of The Hospitalist, consultant, Hospital Internal Medicine, and assistant professor of internal medicine and medical history, Mayo Clinic College of Medicine at the Mayo Clinic College of Medicine, Rochester, Minn.

HOROSCOPES BY TIME

The Nocturnalist

Birth time: Any day 8 p.m.–8 a.m.

Symbol: The Owl

You know who you are. Nighthawk at the diner—you’re a night owl, and you sleep all day long. You love Joni Mitchell and Tom Waits—or you would if you’d ever heard of them. You feed when the sun goes down. You’d rather not be around everybody; the noise makes your brain hurt. You have an amazing tan from sleeping in the sun. If you live in a big city, you have a great social life; otherwise, you enjoy the History Channel more than you should. You have made it to level 39 on Swordquest.

The Recruiter

Birthdate: Whenever, but as soon as possible

Symbol: The Dollar Sign

You know how to motivate people. Cash. Quality of life. Great schools. Outstanding golf courses. Low crime. Affordable housing. Partnership potential; $300K guaranteed! You like to get paid in advance. You love the last half of any journal. You’ll phone; you’ll e-mail; you’ll do whatever it takes to make it happen. You had a great investment portfolio until the market crashed.