Livin' on the MDedge

COVID-19’s hairy conspiracy, and a Kardashian Kolonoscopy


Coronavirus conspiracy gets hairy

It was inevitable, of course. The government’s response to COVID-19 and the novel coronavirus has become an issue, and the increased scrutiny has now turned up a conspiracy.

This particular plot, recently uncovered by the Twitterverse and reported by Newsweek, is being perpetuated by the CDC against the American patriots who make up the bearded wings of the Men-ocratic and Republi-man parties.

Our story begins on Nov. 2, 2017, when the National Institute for Occupational Safety and Health posted “To Beard or not to Beard? That’s a good Question!” on its science blog, which was aimed at “workers who wear tight-fitting respirators.” Like the N95 face mask. More than 2 years before the coronavirus was “discovered” in China. Hmmm, interesting.

The NIOSH post claimed that beards, sideburns, and some mustaches “will interfere with respirators that rely on a tight facepiece seal to achieve maximum protection.” The agency further alleged that “research tells us that the presence of facial hair under the sealing surface causes 20 to 1,000 times more leakage, compared to clean-shaven individuals.” As if research ever proved anything.

Centers for Disease Control and Prevention

The post’s pièce de résistance, however, was an infograph illustrating 36 types of facial hairstyles and whether they worked with a face mask/respirator. Did you know that beard styles such as the chin curtain, French fork, Garibaldi, and Hulihee get a thumbs down? Did you know there are beard styles called the chin curtain, French fork, Garibaldi, and Hulihee? [What? No ZZ Top beard?]

Most mustaches are okay, though, and therein lies the proof of a conspiracy. Among the approved mustache styles is the toothbrush. You’ll find it on the bottom row of the graph, third from the left. Notice anything?

It’s a Hitler mustache! The CDC put its seal of approval on a Hitler mustache!

Thus, by the transfollicular property of the High Castle corollary to the Boys from Brazil theorem, a government conspiracy must exist.

The coronavirus will now proceed to take over the world. Have a nice day.

Keeping up with the Kolonoscopies

sturti/iStock/Getty Images Plus

Imagine owing your life to the Kardashians. It’s a bit tough to swallow, but a man from Ohio owes Kim and her Krew a life debt.

Gary Paine was just passing the time, watching some daytime “Keeping Up With the Kardashians” television in the doctor’s waiting room while his wife was getting a colonoscopy. We’ve all been there – we in the Bureau of LOTME have watched more waiting-room “Judge Judy” than we care to admit.

And just like us, Gary said he was getting bored while watching the Kardashians’ TV travails. Although he felt relatively healthy, he decided to distract himself the best way he knew how: making his own colonoscopy appointment. Anything’s better than getting sucked into an 8-hour Kardashian marathon, right?

During Gary’s Kim K–inspired colonoscopy, it was discovered that he had an irregularity in his heart. Eventually, doctors found two severely blocked arteries. Paine underwent immediate, lifesaving quadruple-bypass surgery.

He now urges people to be aware that checkups are essential, whether you’re showing symptoms of poor health or not.

Which leads us to wonder: Do Kris Jenner and her clan know they’re now officially more painful than a colonoscopy appointment?


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